Why Self Compassion Exercises Feel Harder Than Kindness

Self compassion exercises? Why would anyone need them? Picture this:

Your big meeting is about to start. And everything would be fine if you didn’t spill your freshly-made coffee all over your keyboard…Oh, man! Why am I so clumsy?! Why wasn’t I more careful? Why must I ALWAYS do stuff like this?!

Sounds familiar? 

These kinds of words probably come to you automatically. You don’t even think about any of it.

What would happen if your friend were in this situation? 

Let’s say they texted you a photo of the keyboard being soaked with coffee, panicked out of their mind. You wouldn’t call them clumsy, stupid, self-sabotaging, or whatever it is you tell yourself. You’d tell them it happens because they had a million things on their mind these last couple of days, and that the most important thing is that they already saved all the important files. No biggie, really.

Hey, we get it, you love your friend, and you want to make them feel better. But why do you not show the same kind of love to yourself? Why are you being incompetent, and they’re just stressed and “it’s okay?”

People tend to criticize themselves harsher than they’d criticize others because their judgements are amplified due to self-referential emotional processing. – Kristin Neff

You clearly know how to be kind, and it’s kind of crazy that you’re not kind to yourself.

What Are Self-Compassion Exercises?

If you’ve never heard of self-compassion exercises, well… That’s kinda sad, and you’re probably pretty hard on yourself.

These exercises (at their core) are simply ways to train your body and mind on how YOU should respond to stress, or when you make mistakes, or the negative emotions that come from these types of experiences. And the prime driver here is to respond in a way that involves compassion AND understanding – basically, the same way you’d expect someone else to react.

But when we reflect on our behavior, most of us don’t respond in this way. Because when we do something wrong, we tend to judge ourselves and say things such as “I should’ve known better”.

So, for example, instead of doing the above, what we can do is pause and count to 3 while taking deep breaths. And then try to reset.

Why Do Compassion Exercises Feel Different Than Helping Others?

Just to put things into perspective: self-compassion and pretending everything’s great while it clearly isn’t (throwing things under the rug), are NOT THE SAME thing.

Self-compassion means admitting and recognizing that something’s wrong. But it’s also realizing that you’re only human, and humans make mistakes. And this one mistake doesn’t make you neither stupid nor incompetent.

There are A LOT of people who mistake self-compassion for letting themselves off the hook too way too easily. But simply being kind doesn’t automatically mean that you get a free pass on laziness and responsibility. 

You absolutely always SHOULD hold yourself to high standards and be ambitious.

It’s commendable to care about doing the best you can do, but sooner or later, you’ll do something you wish you didn’t. And when that happens, you shouldn’t punish yourself for it.

Higher self compassion is closely linked to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. – National Institutes of Health

You’re already disappointed in yourself, so how does it help to call yourself an idiot? It’s a tough situation, but instead of calling yourself names, move on and ask what your next step can be. 

How do you fix the mistake? 

What will you do differently THIS time?

What you can do in situations like this is frame the entire thing as a ‘learning experience’. And if you really think about it – that’s what a mistake is. If you don’t learn anything from the mistake, then it’s a wasted opportunity.

No one is saying that you should turn into a robot and NOT feel bad. If you feel bad because of the mistake, that’s ok. That’s completely normal. But there’s no reason to make the situation worse than it currently is.

To make this a bit clearer, we’ll give you a quick example:

Let’s imagine for a second that you live in L.A. and your best friend lives in Tampa. 

Both of you are having issues with anxiety and both of you would like you to come there and visit for a while. You can’t get away from work, though, as much as you’d want to. 

You feel guilty as heck, tell yourself you’re a bad friend, think of the time your friend came all the way to California after your last breakup, yadda yadda. 

Why not turn this around? There’s nothing you can do, and if your friend is a normal person, they’ll understand. 

You’re busy, but you’re still a good friend, and you want to help, so you suggest they look into inpatient anxiety treatment in Tampa, and you’ll get down there in 2 weeks when you have the time. Meanwhile, you’re happy to talk to them daily and listen to their worries. Now, isn’t that better than beating yourself up?

There are plenty of exercises to do, and one of the most popular ones is journaling. When/if things get difficult, what you can do is write it all down. But do remember to put focus on separating the facts from your own judgments; try being unbiased (as much as you can be).

So, write “I don’t have time to visit my friend who needs me.” Immediately, you’ll start judging yourself for it, so write “I’m not a good friend” or whatever you tell yourself. And then just notice how much weight that judgment has and how incorrect it is. 

You’re not a bad friend; you can’t visit your friend for reasons out of your control.

Another good exercise is speaking to yourself the way you would to someone you love. 

When a friend makes a mistake, you’d say, “That sucks, man, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Try that same thing on yourself. Instead of telling yourself you failed and you’re stupid, be realistic and compassionate. 

Say, “Well, that didn’t go well. What can I learn from it?”

The reason why this is easier when it concerns somebody else is that you’re able to be (somewhat) objective when it’s not you. You’re not personally involved in their issue, so you can be calmer about it. But when the problem concerns you, you get emotional, and the whole thing brings up your beliefs about what you think of yourself in general. 

So, it’s not just that you spilled that coffee. You’re dealing with that little evil voice that tells you you always do this and you never seem to get anything right.

How to Turn Things Around

The good thing about all this is that there’s no need to become a completely different person. To be honest, though, change isn’t easy, especially when it comes to changing some things about yourself. Your brain is a sucker for whatever is familiar, even if that means calling yourself a cow yet again because you didn’t stick to your diet.

Here’s what to do about it.

When You Make a Mistake

Okay, so you messed up. First, pause and look at the facts. 

Your brain wants to be dramatic like it’s an actor in a Mexican telenovela, but don’t pay attention to it. If you forgot to attach an important file to your email, just say you forgot it. The end. There’s no need to say you’re careless or unprofessional. Everyone messes up here and there, and calling yourself names won’t help that.

If you focus on the facts, your mental energy can go towards fixing what went wrong instead of punishing yourself.

During Times When You Feel Stressed

Stress can make it impossible to control your reactions, so be aware of that. 

If you freak out, oh well. What can you do? Don’t judge yourself for it. Try naming what you’re feeling, like “I’m frustrated out of my mind.” Once you’ve labeled it, there’s a tiny gap between what you feel and how you respond, and this is where you choose what to do.

Naming an emotion (affect labeling) can measurably improve emotional control. – Lieberman et al., Psychological Science (2007)

You’ve acknowledged the emotion, which means your reaction isn’t based only on impulse, and that’s great! Next, ask yourself what would help. 

You’ll still feel iffy, but at least this way, the emotions aren’t running the show anymore.

After You Get Disappointed

This one really stings. Your mind will try to turn what happened into proof that you’re somehow incompetent, lazy, stupid, and so on. You have to counter that, and the way to do it is by looking at what this situation can teach you.

Basically, don’t judge yourself and don’t make this about who you are as a person. For instance, if you didn’t get the job you wanted, don’t go looking for everything that’s wrong with you. This has nothing to do with your worth, so remember that. Ask yourself what this process taught you, and which skills you could improve for the next job interview. 

You’ll turn your focus away from “I’m not good enough” to “This is how I can do better next time.”

Be Your Own Best Friend

The funny thing about this is that treating others better than you treat yourself seems almost altruistic. 

But it’s not. This has nothing to do with altruism. 

The reason why you’re better at comforting your friend than yourself is that it’s something you’ve done over and over, hundreds of times. And every time you told a friend, “It’ll be okay”, that habit became stronger.

It’s the same with the way you speak to yourself. That nasty little critic living inside your head had a whole lot of practice, and now it’s gotten so good that you actually believe everything it says.

The only way to break free from this is to consciously build better habits. Taking a deep breath instead of freaking out might seem impossible the first 5 times. Then it’ll seem difficult for the next 5 times, but you’ll kind of, sort of do it. 

The more you do it, the easier it will be; just don’t give up.

Now stop scrolling and treat yourself the way you would a friend who just messed up!